August 1st 2007 is a date that is etched into my mind forever. I remember so many small details about that day. I was at my brother’s house helping him build a barn on the backside of this property. I was cutting some lumber for the rafters when I got a phone call from my aunt, my dad’s sister. She called to let me know that paramedics were at my dad’s house trying to revive him but it didn’t look good. That was nearly 10 years ago and sometimes I still wonder if that phone call has sank in yet. Maybe it’s because in a way I had already mourned that loss. My dad and I had only spoken a handful of times the previous two years before he passed. Before I get too far into this I will state that this is not post about trying to mend broken relationships before it’s too late. Don’t get me wrong I hate the way things turned out but I have no guilt on my end. I did everything I could do to fix what he had broken. I offered my forgiveness and vowed to let go of the past but I believe in the end that very past that I agreed to forget, haunted him. He became so consumed by guilt that it made it hard for him to speak to us. The worst part was that he wasn’t a bad guy he wasn’t even a bad father. He coached my little league team, taught my brother and me how to ride bikes, hunt, fish, clean a rifle, work on cars and showed us by example how to be a protector and provider of a household. I remember him spending a lot of time helping other people. I vividly recall him taking some old scrap pipe he had in his shop and building new bleacher frames for the little league park. Sometimes my brother and I would tag along with him when he would go to the home of an older lady that he worked with so that we could do various chores for her. He just helped people. They seldom had to ask but when they did I never heard him say no. There are so many different directions that I could take this post but this post is not just about him. It’s about becoming a father when you don’t have father to turn to. I always wanted to be a father. Even before I was married I would think about having kids of my own. But I never really thought about becoming a father and not being able to pick up the phone and ask my dad how he did it. How do you keep from laughing when your kids do something bad yet hilarious? How did you work 12 hours a day and have the energy to grab a ball and glove when you got home and meet us in the backyard? I don’t have the luxury of asking him those questions but what I do have is some extraordinary people in my life that I can turn to when I have no idea what I’m doing. Fortunately for me my older brother became father years before I did. Even with the absence of our father my brother has become a great dad, which alone inspires me. He is also already gone through many of the things that I go through and always offers his advice or just listens to me complain. You would be hard-pressed to find a dad anywhere that works the insane amount of hours that he does and is still so heavily involved with their children. I also have my in-laws on my side. When I met my wife her little twin brother and sister were only 8 years old. I have got to watch them grow up and mature under the direction of my mother and father-in-law. I have learned a lot from them over the last 10 years. My father-in-law is well aware that he is one of my primary father figures and he has embraced that role. He is a wonderful mentor and I fully trust in his ability to raise exceptional children because I married one of them.
Which brings me to my last point, my wife. My wife helps me be a better father. I could go into all the details about our ability to parent together and work with one another but really it just comes down to the simple fact that she makes me want to be a better person. A better husband, brother, friend and father. She also helps reassure me when I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. She offers her advice and her experiences and she has been more than patient with me since we have had kids. I owe a lot of thanks to a lot of people. This parenting stuff isn’t for the faint of heart but it gives me a little piece of mind knowing that I have so many wonderful people in my life that are willing to help me out when I feel like I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. I am also grateful for the memories I have of my own father. I’m glad that I continue to look past the negative and focus on everything positive that he did in my life. Even if for a short time, he showed us by example what to do and for that I am thankful.